america the beautiful

i return. to the states. to "america" as we call our home. even though we are but one nation within two continents of americas. it/s okay. i let it slide. don/t correct myself when i hear it slip past my lips. it/s even more pompous because now i/m fully aware of our conceit but i let it happen anyway. so consciously closed-minded that it almost feels good.

i return. to this bizarre place. this strange land of single servings & privatized health care. to miles & miles of endless grocery aisles. to suburban sprawl & freeway expansion. i miss the rice paddies of taiwan. the tobacco fields. the ocean. i miss the way the rivers crawled. the constant buzz of the cicadas & the chatter of morning markets. i miss the miles & miles of open road. and me, ready & willing with nothing more to define me than my blinding youth.

i wish people would stop inviting concrete into our only open spaces.

bellevue happened too soon. culture shock. i should have waited longer before returning to this place. the outskirts of taiwan to the center of bellevue came much too quick. i feel lost here. confused. paralyzed. unsure of what move to make next.


my thoughts seem so scattered. when did i become this disorganized? or have i always been this way? i need to stop writing answers on loose-leaf paper. but i/ve never been a fan of binding. too much negative connotation.


so here/s where we get to the part where i/m supposed to be all grown up & ready to enter the real world but instead i feel like maybe the past seventeen years of education were slightly more than futile. i wish that instead of a degree from a university people would require real experience in the real world, experience with real customs & cultures. cultures other than our own. i wish that instead of spending an arm & a leg on an overpriced education i could have spent nickels & dimes on undervalued education through travel. i feel like my whole life i/ve learned so much more out of the classroom than within the confines of the walls we box ourselves in. but was it not underappreciated teachers who were the very ones that opened my mind?

shit. i want to be a teacher. but i/m sick of being spread so thin. i don/t understand money. why is it the most vital professions make the least amount of money? does that make any sense? why do football players make more than teachers & mentors? why is the cost of living so damn high? i am almost positive i will never own a house. it/s sad, but i/ve just sort of come to terms with it. there/s no real use in being upset about it because that/s kindof just the way it is.


i/m still on the fence about france. my mind changes every other other every minute. i mean, it/s always been my dream. to live in france. on my own. to teach. but now that i/ve been to taiwan i/m not so sure about this whole teaching english thing. i/d rather teach french. but i certainly can/t do that in france, now can i?

the problem is money. which i hate. i have no credit, so i can/t get any credit. i/ve managed to get through college debt free, right? no student loans to pay off, no serious debt i/ve dug myself into. so how is it that i can/t get a damn credit card? why is that? does that make any sense? if i had thousands and thousands of dollars to pay off i/m sure credit card companies would be jumping at the opportunity to have me as a client. but no credit seems to be worse than bad credit. the lesson for all you credit-free youngsters out there: jump on the bandwagon early if you want to avoid being left behind altogether.

& if money is the only real obstacle then i should be able to get through this, right? i mean, if you really want something you work your ass off to get it. i just need to find a way to make a thousand bucks in two and a half weeks. or find someone who will give me a loan. or maybe i should try gambling. shit, i just don/t know what to do.


but i suppose i will just have to hold on to the hope that everything will work out in the end because it usually does. stress does crazy things to the body. i need to smile, relax, breathe & be thankful for the opportunities that lay open in front of me. i/m fortunate to have so many people that believe in me constantly reassuring my belief in myself.

of course i/m going to france, silly. i just need to remember to believe...