that is the question(s)

to go or to stay. to come or to go. to work or to play. to study or to explore. to be or not to be.

yes, indeed. these are the questions keeping me from sleep each night.



we/re coming to the end of an era here and i/ve found myself at a junction in this road. a fork, if you will. but the possibilities of which direction i want to keep walking in are endless. there are just too many. they all look alluring. they all tempt me. & i would be content with any one of them. no one can make my decision for me but me, and nothing is stopping me from giving any one a try. but i feel stuck here. cemented to the ground. i have a hard time even shuffling my feet, and it/s taking me a bit longer than i/d like to figure this all out. i was starting to worry.


do i stay in france?
do i come back to the states?
if so, where? bellevue? seattle? snohomish? bellingham? some other city in the area?
if so, how long do i stay? just long enough to see my friends & family? through the holidays? indefinitely?
do i look for work?
if so, do i look for something i will enjoy? something i want to pursue as a possible career? or just a "petit boulot" to make me enough cash to get by?
if so, do i look for a place to live? or do a crash with friends and family for a little while. a lease means commitment. do i want to commit myself to staying in a certain place for a certain amount of time?
do i want to come back to france?
if so, do i want to come back to clermont-ferrand?
if so, will i be coming back for me, or just because of remy?
do i want to spend the rest, or a large portion of my life with this one, and is my love for him a big enough factor to pull me back half way across the world, away from my friends, my family, my roots, and everything i had come to love & associate myself with for the past 22 years?


callie & i opened up channels of energy last night. with the four elements present we delved into what/s really at the root of these problems. of these questions. trying to find what about the answers is truly important. the positive energy we created was healing. it hurt at first. it always does. opening up old wounds and deep-seeded issues in an effort to find a way to transform the negative energy into positive forces. veritable transformers, as callie put it. and i think i figured out what part of the problem for me is.


i feel like i haven/t been grounded for quite some time. as if there is no reference point for me to see where i am, where i am going, where i have been. chelsea in france is much different than chelsea in bellingham, is much different than chelsea in seattle, is much different than chelsea in bellevue is much different than chelsea in taiwan, is much different than chelsea on the road. of course there are still elements of me that remain the same, but i feel i have no way to check my progress as i move from one world to the next. i suddenly show up on a new map, and where i was physically, mentally, emotionally is all off somewhere on a different map that no longer exists. and the map i had of this place i/ve come to is an old, out-dated map. with countries that no longer exist and borders that have since changed. i can/t place myself. my compass points in the wrong direction and i thus lose all sense of direction. my instincts fail because they/re misplaced.

what i/m working on, therefore, is finding something within me to ground me. within each world. within myself. something i can use as a control. something that won/t change. & recognizing, acknowledging where the work needs to happen is the first step. it will take time, and i know this, but this is a start. i need to really listen to the universe, listen to my energy, listen to my body & my mind and it will slowly loosen the knots and help me see where i/m standing.


for now, i/m coming to the northwest. i won/t say i/m coming "home" because for a long time now "home" has been where i am at a moment in time. en effet, "home", where i feel i truly belong, just might be what i am searching for in all of this. & i know i haven/t found it yet. which is why i feel drawn to other corners of the globe trying to find it. but for now, i/m coming back to the northwest. i don/t know how. i don/t know when. i don/t know exactly where or for how long. but i know that i am coming, and that truth is enough in itself for right now. i/ll let the rest of the pieces fall into place as they do, and learn how to accept their energies as they come.

which i guess when it comes right down to it means...

i/ll be seeing you.