vivante à vichy

a gust of wind and the shutters of my window against the wall catch my attention. the sunlight still rests softly on the red-tiled roofs across the quiet street below, and yet a light rain has begun to dance upon my awning. i can hardly contain myself. i let the tears flow freely.



it/s the first time my tears haven/t been filled with pain, frustration or loneliness since my arrival. in retrospect, it/s only been a week since i/ve been in france, and yet it feels like it has been an eternity.

this has, no doubt, been the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.

i can/t really explain why. i can/t explain why i felt so empty for the first few days. i/m sure the fact that i was leaving an incredibly comfortable life back home, leaving behind everyone i know and love, leaving behind freedom & adventure & the vagabond life of a poor college student. leaving my language and my culture. leaving my life, a life that i was completely and utterly in love with.

but it was more than that. living in france has always been my dream. teaching in france has always been my dream. and i/ve worked incredibly hard, and i/ve deserved this, and now i have it. i think that/s it. for the past eight years, essentially, this is what i/ve worked for. i/ve gone through other phases, sure. journalism. environment. english. health/medicine. and eventually history. but french was always there. when nothing else wasn/t, when nothing else could fulfill me, french was there to comfort me. one might even go as far to say "france is my anti-drug"...

or perhaps that is pushing it a bit...

regardless, this has always been my dream, and now i/m living it. now i have it. and there is a lot of responsibility that comes with this job, for sure, but there is this sort of creeping emptiness about the whole situation. to the extent that, once i am done here, what else do i have to live for? not to be overdramatic, but that has basically been the subtext of my inner dialogue for the past few weeks. after this, what the hell do i do with myself? i left everything i know & everything i love to lose everything?

AND...gain everything. or so i have come to see these past few days.

i remember a few years ago, perhaps around high school graduation, perhaps even as far back as eighth grade graduation, my father making a comment haphazardly about the people i tend to associate myself with. "chels," he said, nonchalantly. "you really have the most amazing friends." it was sort of a wake up call. i stepped back & looked around and realized that he was absolutely correct. i may have drifted from crowd to crowd, i have gone through my phases and (as courtenay would say) changed as often (or moreso) as a a chameleon, but the friends i have kept, the people i surround myself with, are all incredibly beautiful people.

sometimes it/s too much. i can/t take it all. i can/t understand it. i mean, i kick a fair amount of ass myself, but compared to my friends? i am so honored. i am so so lucky to have people like them around.

and it was friends & family who truly helped open my eyes to the positive aspects of my séjour here in france. it was friends & family who helped me see that being radically emotional after such a drastic change is a natural & understandable & (gasp!) even healthy response. it was friends & family who calmed me when i needed it & let me cry when i needed it. & it was friends & family who told me that it would just take a little time for me to adjust. & voila! consider me adjusted! thank you so much, all of you, for being supportive. even if you think you had nothing to do with it, it probably means you most definitely did. i love you so much and think about you more often than you know.

but, enough of that sappiness. how about a little update on my life, shall we?

vichy is beautiful. a perfectly charming little town situated on the allier river.




especially this time in autumn, where the leaves are just starting to catch fire, little flames aglow at all times on the cobblestone paths below.







i/m living in a room at the top of a house owned by an adorable older couple, danielle & jacques. the street is quite quaint, and the view from my window is simply breathtaking.







the streets are adorable...









as are the people...





i will be teaching at three different schools, nine classes total, ranging from kindergarten to fifth grade. quite the spread, if you ask me. and it will be quite the challenge, but i/m looking forward to it. it will be very rewarding work, as these kids are simply adorable.





all in all, things are going fairly well. i have yet to make a single friend that is not in my work place or at my home, and yet i see beauty in everything and am enjoying my days thoroughly. friends will come easily now that i am at ease with life itself.

i miss you everyone immensely and would love a visit or two, or perhaps a letter. please do not hesitate to write. i would simply love to be your penpal. you may reach me at:

mlle chelsea elizabeth
26 impasse Arnaud
03200 VICHY france

/tis time to return to the river for yet another cheap & delicious dinner.



je vous aime tant!

gros biz de vichy! ♥

to whom it may concern:

she stood on the city streets & breathed deep the heavy scent of wet pavement we so often mistake for rain. the lights shone brightly (is it truly darker in the heart of a city at night?) in glints off the smooth blacktop & she shouted (without words) at the top of her lungs: i/m not ready to leave you yet!

america the beautiful

i return. to the states. to "america" as we call our home. even though we are but one nation within two continents of americas. it/s okay. i let it slide. don/t correct myself when i hear it slip past my lips. it/s even more pompous because now i/m fully aware of our conceit but i let it happen anyway. so consciously closed-minded that it almost feels good.

i return. to this bizarre place. this strange land of single servings & privatized health care. to miles & miles of endless grocery aisles. to suburban sprawl & freeway expansion. i miss the rice paddies of taiwan. the tobacco fields. the ocean. i miss the way the rivers crawled. the constant buzz of the cicadas & the chatter of morning markets. i miss the miles & miles of open road. and me, ready & willing with nothing more to define me than my blinding youth.

i wish people would stop inviting concrete into our only open spaces.

bellevue happened too soon. culture shock. i should have waited longer before returning to this place. the outskirts of taiwan to the center of bellevue came much too quick. i feel lost here. confused. paralyzed. unsure of what move to make next.


my thoughts seem so scattered. when did i become this disorganized? or have i always been this way? i need to stop writing answers on loose-leaf paper. but i/ve never been a fan of binding. too much negative connotation.


so here/s where we get to the part where i/m supposed to be all grown up & ready to enter the real world but instead i feel like maybe the past seventeen years of education were slightly more than futile. i wish that instead of a degree from a university people would require real experience in the real world, experience with real customs & cultures. cultures other than our own. i wish that instead of spending an arm & a leg on an overpriced education i could have spent nickels & dimes on undervalued education through travel. i feel like my whole life i/ve learned so much more out of the classroom than within the confines of the walls we box ourselves in. but was it not underappreciated teachers who were the very ones that opened my mind?

shit. i want to be a teacher. but i/m sick of being spread so thin. i don/t understand money. why is it the most vital professions make the least amount of money? does that make any sense? why do football players make more than teachers & mentors? why is the cost of living so damn high? i am almost positive i will never own a house. it/s sad, but i/ve just sort of come to terms with it. there/s no real use in being upset about it because that/s kindof just the way it is.


i/m still on the fence about france. my mind changes every other other every minute. i mean, it/s always been my dream. to live in france. on my own. to teach. but now that i/ve been to taiwan i/m not so sure about this whole teaching english thing. i/d rather teach french. but i certainly can/t do that in france, now can i?

the problem is money. which i hate. i have no credit, so i can/t get any credit. i/ve managed to get through college debt free, right? no student loans to pay off, no serious debt i/ve dug myself into. so how is it that i can/t get a damn credit card? why is that? does that make any sense? if i had thousands and thousands of dollars to pay off i/m sure credit card companies would be jumping at the opportunity to have me as a client. but no credit seems to be worse than bad credit. the lesson for all you credit-free youngsters out there: jump on the bandwagon early if you want to avoid being left behind altogether.

& if money is the only real obstacle then i should be able to get through this, right? i mean, if you really want something you work your ass off to get it. i just need to find a way to make a thousand bucks in two and a half weeks. or find someone who will give me a loan. or maybe i should try gambling. shit, i just don/t know what to do.


but i suppose i will just have to hold on to the hope that everything will work out in the end because it usually does. stress does crazy things to the body. i need to smile, relax, breathe & be thankful for the opportunities that lay open in front of me. i/m fortunate to have so many people that believe in me constantly reassuring my belief in myself.

of course i/m going to france, silly. i just need to remember to believe...

towards sunny peaks & sandy beach, but still not alone

it was meant to be my adventure.

it isn/t usually. most often i find pleasure in sharing adventures with others. i like to watch their faces as they overcome physical obstacles. boulders. water in the creek that/s much too deep. the end of the trail.

but not this time. this time i needed to be alone.



i wish someone had told me exactly what it meant. typhoon. i wish someone had explained to me that typhoon = danger. because all it had meant thus far was an increase in rain & a (welcome) decrease in temperature. no one told me this one would be big. no one told me the north half of the philippines would be shut down as a result. that people would die. many people. that rivers would flood, dangerously so. that buildings would be ripped from their foundations & roads left tattered. i wish someone had told me exactly what it meant.



we left on tuesday. early. heading north on the 17. to taipei. we figured it was about 350 kilometers. maybe 400. it was warm when we left. overcast, with sun every now & then. but no rain. not yet. it came quickly. in torrents. cold, unwelcome. we put on our new raingear & gritted our teeth. it was bearable.

a few stops, a few more hours & a few hundred kilometers later we found ourselves in the outskirts of taipei. the city is vast. it sprawls on, spiraling out towards the ocean with seemingly calculated randomness. waves of skyscrapers, concrete arms reaching towards an endless blue. ugly beautiful.

we called snail. & howard. snail is an old teaching assistant. my first. and second. and the best. howard is an old student. one of the first. & one of the best. incredibly intelligent. wise beyond his years. we had had some of the most intellectual conversations of my entire trip. only eighteen. & yet i/m only twenty-two, he so pointedly pointed out. since danshui he had finally received his green card. he was leaving the country, moving to the states on thursday. i needed to say goodbye. to say thank you.

he was in danshui. he lived in beitou. we were south. far south. farther south than we knew. it didn/t work out. he had to taxi home. a long ride. i apologized, but it didn/t feel enough. i let him down. it was late. the mrt was closed. he was alone. past curfew. & here i was, his english teacher, keeping him awake in a dangerous city. i told him i would pay for his cab.

we found a park, a small park, a patch of green under the mrt tracks. a playground. a few benches. a nicer neighborhood. we set up camp. i in my sleeping bag & he in his sweatshirt. he wanted to share. again, i said no. he wanted someone to hold. again, i said no. i slept well.

the train always runs early. especially in a big city. in those early morning hours i dreamt of childhood & train tracks in spokane. the scent of my grandfather/s plaid flannel shirts, tobacco & vanilla & earth all mixed in with the rust & dirt of the tracks on a hot summer day. & the way the skin on my grandmother/s hands always looked so fragile, translucent almost, like tissue paper or the folds of a fresh sheet. i felt her comb gently through my hair, spun gold she used to say, on that ridiculous couch in their living room. & his hand firmly grasping mine as i walked along the rails, a balancing act just for him.

i awoke to sunlight & staring eyes. elderly men & women up for their early morning walk in the park. congregating around the two young whites asleep in a messy pile of clothes & backpacks & sleeping bags on the ground next to the slide. i found a patch of sunlight & grounded myself. yoga. with each breath i felt myself growing lighter. i was on the other end of the island. away from all the stress & drama of a chaotic work environment. the sun was out & i was free.

he befriended a young woman in the park. no surprise, all things considered. from the philippines. in taiwan as a nanny. at the park with the children before school. she asked if i was his wife. he laughed. just friends. she asked us (him) to breakfast. with the children. we accepted. we ate. we played with the kids. & we left, weary of outstaying our welcome.

we headed north, to yangmingshan national park. wound our way to the top & found hot springs. i spent the early afternoon naked with twenty-something women over fifty. at least. they chattered away in taiwanese. only one spoke any english & it was only a few words if that. they asked if i was married. if i had a boyfriend. if i was interested in taiwanese men. if this was my first experience with hot springs. when i left they asked if i knew how beautiful i was & told me i must come back. i smiled & left, weary of outstaying my welcome.

we found a trail & headed up. steps. hundreds. hundreds & hundreds of steps. at the top was a pagoda & the most magnificent view of taipei imaginable. beautiful. yet eery. it seemed so vast & yet so fragile from so high up. so far away. abandoned. void of all life. or at least human life, i suppose. i pondered the future of this great city. it/s face in a few hundred years. whether it will be worn. recognizable. or if everything will change.

we headed down the mountain & slowly wound our way back down into the city.

we were to meet with howard, calvin & snail at 3:30 in the afternoon at taipei main station. a movie & a meal later & it was time to part. too soon. much too soon. goodbyes always are.

we headed back to the mountains. hiked back up a thousand stairs & slept above the city but below the stars. i in my sleeping bag & he in his sweatshirt. he didn/t ask & i didn/t offer, though i knew he wanted to share. the wind howled through the wooden slats & up the spiral stairs. i slept well. dreamt of flying through the constellations, drawing lines between stars, bursts of light from blue circles & red squares, all the really important things that they never teach you about. the ones you have to find out on your own. lost myself in the arms of the milky way & my beautiful sisters. the warmth & grace of my mother. i woke, once again, to sunlight. i stretched. drank grapefruit juice & ate granola. i was ready.

we hiked up to the highest peak in the park. 七星山. xicingshan. seven star mountain. an extinct volcano. the highest volcano in taiwan, actually. 1120 meters. not the tallest mountain however. at 3952 yushan in alishan national park down south is the tallest actual peak. nonetheless, seven star is high up there. the view was indescribable. a 360 degree view of the park. of the whole northern part of the island, really. the ocean way out west. the taiwan strait. the east china sea to the north. the great pacific to the east. mountains, valleys, cities. the kind of view that, more than takes your breath away, restores it. brings you a certain peace. it was exactly what i needed.

our descent was quick. we wound our way out on a fresh road. east. towards the pacific. that great expanse of blue. diamonds strewn across a sea-blue blanket. aqua. deep. boundless. we drove until we found the ocean & we stopped. the sand burned my soles, but it hardly mattered. i was at the edge of the ocean. i could lose myself forever in a blue so deep.


at this point, however, i could hardly enjoy the beauty. i was so frustrated. this was my trip. this was my adventure. this was supposed to be my escape. i had already told simon no. i needed to be completely free. i was tired of being held back. of waiting for him to catch up. of guiding him. of playing babysitter & interpreter & driver & guide. i wanted to stop when i wanted to & go where i wanted to & not have to explain or answer to anyone. i needed desperately to breathe the ocean air on my own. but i had let him follow & i couldn/t very well abandon.


he knew. he could see the joy drain from my face every time he asked to stop. asked directions. asked where we were going. asked what time we would get where. asked what the plan was. asked what i wanted. so finally he asked if he was a burden. if i regretted his presence. as usual, i was brutally honest. he said he understood. he knew this trip was mine. knew he was intruding. knew i needed space. told me to take it when i needed it. if i needed a few hours of alone time, i just needed to ask. i explained my dilemma. that i felt responsible for him. that i felt he was incapable of handling this country on his own. of making his way back. across the country alone on a scooter. he can hardly make his way back to the office from the coffee shop down the street, let alone across a few mountain ranges & a lot of messy highway. in a language he hasn/t begun to understand. & yet, i was unhappy. & us staying together might mean the end of a friendship. if i needed a few hours, he repeated, he understood.
-i don/t just need a few hours, chandler. if we split, we split for good.

i couldn/t tell if his offer was genuine. if he wanted to part or if he was just offering. but at this point it honestly didn/t matter. i was next to the ocean, out of the oppressive smog of the city trying to breathe in the salty air & yet i felt suffocated still. there was no question. we parted quickly & formally. not much of a goodbye. i felt bad but i craved the freedom of being on my own. i needed to look in my rear view mirrors & see nothing but the open road layed out for miles behind me.

i headed south without looking back...

home

the farther away from home i travel, the less i understand what that concept means. home to me is more a state of mind than a concept. it is fluid. it changes with the tide.

this weekend i escaped. i had to get away.

i scootered out to the country. down south, through kaohsiung. then east. inland.

foguangshan. the biggest buddhist temple in all of taiwan. a 50m gold buddha. the largest drum & bell on the island. this is the temple the world looks to for examples. i meditated for an hour with monks in the buddhist meditation room. i thought i was alone until i looked up & saw one lone monk hidden in the shadows of the corner. he nodded & smiled. i blushed, ashamed. sometimes i feel so fake in this country. i try to embrace the culture, but i feel so counterfeit.

one floor up, siddhartha/s bones rest. he was incinerated upon his death, or so the story goes. but four of his teeth remained after his flesh was turned to ash. foguangshan guards one of these teeth. i entered, humbled. the room is locked. i met a monk. a woman. no english. but she asked me if i knew buddhism, and showed me how to pray. she unlocked the door & let me in.

i knelt before his remains & prayed. we bowed in turn. she stepped back, aware of the significance of the moment. i couldn/t stop the tears. they seemed so natural. so pure. so real.

when i left, she handed me a book of buddhist prayers. i cried once more. she invited me to stay the night in the temple. it was too much to handle. i thanked her for her hospitality, but was weary of outstaying my welcome. i watched a lightening storm brew behind the golden buddha. watched the energy materialize behind his stony gaze. in awe. unable to speak.

the countryside changed as i headed further inland, towards the mountains. maolin nature preserve. mountains. jungle. rivers. forest of a kind i have never before seen. i spent saturday night in the house of a stranger, on the top of the world. dona. dona, taiwan. a village of perhaps 200. on a mountaintop. near natural hotsprings.

i found a river sunday morning & i played. after a long hike by myself. call it a morning walk. i saw the largest snake i have ever seen. a red-winged hawk. butterflies. more plentiful & beautiful than i have ever seen. after my descent i played in a cool, clear river, and i knew everything would be okay. i stumbled upon a family eating lunch by a waterfall. they beckoned. i came. they fed me. i swam in a crystal clear pond with their son. brightly coloured fish & butterflies surrounding us. i played under a waterfall this weekend. & i knew everything would be okay.

i drove along the river north. past mountains that jut like dinosaurs out of a dusty sea. they say the spirits of turtle gods inhabit these mountains. the japanese dug tunnels through them to help with the transportation of lumber. i blazed through them. conscious of the damp coolness, the drop in temperature so deep within the earth. bats. mud. the smell of earth.

i drove through mooncrater world. the most bizarre natural phenomena i have ever seen. i still can/t really explain or describe it. it was...exactly how it sounds. suddenly and abruptly the landscape changed. from rice patties & tobacco fields to what appeared to be craters on the moon. oddly shaped mountainous structures. hills & valleys. dried up creek beds. little life. lightening.

approaching tainan, the sky opened up. sheets, torrents, rivers of rain fell from the heavens. this happens almost on a daily basis now. we are preparing for a series of typhoons. it is typhoon season, after all.

a typhoon is set to hit the east coast tomorrow. ilan. up north. while ilan is northeast and we are southwest, we still must be weary. taiwan is quite small. we will not escape the repurcussions. typhoons can be dangerous. as of now, the storm that will hit tomorrow is not too huge, but it is growing. there is a second typhoon approaching, as well. approximate arrival time: friday.

and yet i remained unphased. i am aware of the dangers. but taiwan seems home to me now. typhoons are common. blazing sun one second, torrential downpours the next. this is a typical summer day here. i will most likely still teach. life will most likely go on as normal, just with a little more rain & a lot less heat. when it/s put that way, a typhoon seems almost welcome.

i watched a lightening storm on the beach last night. we brought plastic lawn chairs down onto the sand & watched the storm brew far out across the ocean. captivating. the energy was almost too much to take in all at once.

sometimes i feel this life is passing by too quickly. i find myself in places & am almost unsure of how i got there. brief moments of lucidity within a dream. but this is my dream. and i am living it. last night i watched a lightening storm across the pacific. next month perhaps across the atlantic. i am a wanderer. a weary lone traveler. i carry my home with me on my back. but i wouldn/t have it any other way.